Tag Archive | Communication

Don’t go to bed angry!

When you first got married someone of the Christian faith probably quoted the following scripture:

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.  (Ephesians 4:26-27 NIV)

This scripture happens to be one of the most famous quotes given to those saved and unsaved during marriage celebrations. For those that are not in the household of faith it probably sounds more like this:

“Never go to bed angry.”

This is no doubt one of the best pieces of advice that anyone seeking to stay married forever can receive. Anger is one of the most deadly emotions that anyone can have.  Anger can lead one to make horrible life choices that lead to long-term consequences.  The effects of anger have also been known to cause both physical and psychological illnesses in one’s body.

If you allow anger to fester in your marriage it will block your ability to love as God has commanded.  It is impossible to love your spouse unconditionally and be angry at them at the same time. Love and anger do not mix!!!  Anger seeks revenge and justice, whereas love seeks peace and joy.
Satan would love nothing more than to send you and your spouse to bed angry at one another. When he accomplishes this task he knows that he has gained a place in your marriage that he can use to begin his work.

When anger arises in your marriage make every attempt to make peace before going to bed. Do not allow Satan to begin steps at tearing your marriage apart by pitting you against each other.  We have a favorite line that we like to use when we see Satan trying to get a foothold in our marriage. We start by smiling at the other person and we say, “We’re on the same team.”

Do not let the sun go down when you’re angry! Instead take a time out and devise a plan that allows for a win-win situation. Don’t forget in the midst of your anger, “You both are on the same team too!”

Best wishes,

Cassandra

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Does Nagging Help or Hurt?

Do you nag your spouse? According to the dictionary a nag is someone who “annoys or irritates (a person) with persistent faultfinding or continuous urging.”

Did you know that nagging communicates negative emotions to your spouse? Instead of them hearing your requests of what you want them to do or stop doing, they hear harsh criticisms about their character and personality. The nagging then produces feelings of insufficiency thus leading our spouses to feel rejected by us. Those that nag their spouses will notice that they will become more and more withdrawn overtime. They will also become defensive whenever you approach them no matter what the topic of discussion may be. This is because they now feel that they have to guard and protect themselves from further being torn down and disregarded.

“Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” (Colossians 4:6)

If you have an issue with something that your spouse does or does not do nagging them will not get them to change their ways. Nagging your spouse is like fixing them the worse meal of their life over and over again! When Joseph and I first got married I recognized early on which meals he enjoyed and which ones he did not appear to like so much. Instead of trying to keep serving him the meals that he didn’t care much for I decided to change up my recipe to make it more appealing. We have to do this same type of thing when communicating areas of concern with our mates. Instead of nagging your spouse to take out the trash or to be better at keeping a budget try changing the ingredients to your conversation so that it is more appealing to his or her ears. When we add salt or pepper to our food it gives it an extra kick and adds flavor that satisfies our taste buds right? So why not add a little extra spice to your conversations to change up the presentation?

We all know that we are more likely to try something that looks appealing to our eyes or that sounds good to our ears! 🙂 For now on when communicating issues of concerns to your spouse try adding 1 tablespoon of compassion, 2 spoonfuls of love and just a pinch of patience. Adding this specific ingredient to our conversations will not only help in preserving our relationships, but it will help protect our partners self esteem and prevent feelings of rejection. Always serve your mate criticism cooked at the highest degree of compassion, love and patience. Criticism served this way will always make it easier to shallow!

I will be joining you in this endeavor! To God be the glory for all He is doing and will do in our lives!

Cassandra

Are You In Good Standing With Your Spouse?

Have you ever been late on a credit card bill? If you have then you know that once your 1 day past the due date that they will start ringing your phone off the hook.  When they finally catch up with you they will say something like, “Hi. We’re just calling to remind you that you forgot to pay your bill. Can I help you stay in good standing with us by taking a payment over the phone today?” Bill collectors are trained well to keep you in good standing with their companies.

We should make every effort to stay in good standing with our spouses just as we would do with a bill collector. If you promise your spouse that you’re going to do something then you should make every effort to fulfill your promise.

When we don’t meet our agreements or promises in marriage it can cause our mates to become uncertain about our priorities. It can also cause trust issues to surface when your word becomes null and void because you fail to honor your commitments.

We need to be more like God. When He tells you that he is going to do something we are always assured that His promises will come to pass. The Bible tells us that it is impossible for God to lie. (Heb. 6:18; Titus 1:2) If he says he will do it then he will do it! We never have to worry about Him canceling on us at the last moment, or about being disappointed in the way He handles something.

You can help your spouse to remain confident in your relationship by letting your yes be yes and your no be no! (James 5:12) Never make promises to your spouse to do something that you know you don’t want to do or can’t do. Your lack of effort will speak volumes to your spouse when they see that you just can’t seem to get things done on your “honey to do list.”

We all know that sometimes things happen that are totally out of our control, however do not let this be the norm in your marriage.  When issues arise that prevent you from honoring your word take the time to communicate with your mate. Let them know that you really want to keep your promises and discuss any obstacles that you are having towards fulfilling your promise. Communication is the key to bridging the gap between the truth and what your spouse may perceive based on your inactivity towards achieving that desired promise.

Take authority over your life and stay in good standing with your spouse. Being in good standing with your spouse will make Satan‘s attacks a lot easier to defeat quickly and efficiently!

We are joining you in these honorable efforts. To God be the glory for all He is doing in our marriages!
Cassandra

Who’s Right, Who’s Wrong?

You’ve heard the phrase “There are 2 sides to every story.” Well, I’m here to tell you there are 3 sides to every story. Her side, his side and the truth! We see situations through our own eyes which is bias, but God sees things truthfully! 1 Corinthians 13:5-6 says, “Love does not behave rudely, does not seek it’s own; is not provoked, thinks no evil. Does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth!  Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” (John 14:6). The opposite of a truth is a lie. Therefore we’re lying to ourselves when we refuse to act Christ like and walk in love during a disagreement no matter who started it or whose feelings are hurt.

The Bible says when we are married we now become one flesh. Therefore when we fight as a couple we are hurting ourselves, because her flesh is your flesh and vice versa. Stop beating up yourself and heal yourself! If your leg is injured is it upset with your arm? No! Therefore stop being upset with your spouse and die to self and do what Jesus would want you to do. If you say you are a Christian you should be trying to be “Christ like” in all your ways. Cassandra and I have had our share of disagreements where I felt I was wronged but I was the first to initiate conversation for us to move forward and make peace. This is one of the first steps to dying to self and walking in love. So today I urge you to do what is right in God’s eye instead of what you feel during a disagreement.

Be Christ like today and everyday!

Joseph

What are your actions communicating to your spouse?

Have you ever heard the expression,” Your actions are speaking louder than your words?” Sometimes in our relationships we begin to take one another for granted. We assume that the person we love knows how we feel about them and that we don’t need to go the extra mile. Sometimes going the extra mile is in fact just what it takes to keep our marriages on track. For instance when Joseph and I first got married I made an honest effort to not be on the phone when he arrived home from work so that I could make myself available to him. I can image that he felt honored, cared for, and loved by my desire to direct all of my attention towards him. Now looking forward, imagine the message we send to our spouses when we change the focus of our interest or attention to other sources. I’m sure that we can all think back to something that we did when you first got married that we either no longer do anymore or maybe we don’t do it with the same enthusiasm?

In our busy society it is no doubt that we can find millions of things outside and inside the home to occupy our time and energy. Making our spouse a priority can sometimes feel like just one more thing to do on our “to do list.”  The best marriages are those that realize that marriage is just like a job. They require you to put in your time and to do the job you committed to doing the day you said, “I do.” In the case of marriage we have promised to love and care for one another in sickness and in health. This means that you are spiritually bounded by God to fulfill these obligations. We must take the time to evaluate what are actions are communicating to our spouses in our daily life.

Do we stop and listen when are spouses are talking?

Are we making every effort to speak to them lovingly?

What would they say is our greatest concern in our lives?

While we all enjoy hearing the words, “I love you,” nothing says I love you more than your honest efforts in showing your mate that you are still very much emotionally connected to them. As we draw closer to Valentine’s Day let us remember that it is the small things that matters most. If you only show special love and attention to your spouse on February 14th then your actions are counteractive to your covenant vows. If we are in covenant relationship with our spouses then we must begin to show them the unconditional love that Christ has shown us. Work diligently toward showing your spouse that you care for them by making sure your actions line up with your words. Little acts of kindness go a long way towards a happy and healthy marriage.

Here is a list of a few ways you can communicate love daily without saying a word.

1. Bring your spouse home their favorite treat.

2. Write them a love letter and leave it in a special place.

3. Iron their clothes while they’re in the shower.

4. Give them time away from the kids.

5. Get a baby sitter and surprise them with a candlelight dinner at home.

6. Watch a love story together and talk about how to improve your marriage following the movie.

7. Bring them home a greeting card for no apparent reason.

8. Take time out every day to listen to them and find out about their day.

9. Motivate them to work on their dreams.

10. Support their dreams and goals.

11. Check their schedule before making plans for the two of you.

May God bless you and keep you grounded. Marriage is good!!!!!!!!!!

Cassandra

Back to the Basics: Communication

Communication in marriage is a key factor in your level of satisfaction with your marriage. Most people who are married will admit that if you don’t feel like your spouse understands you then you end up feeling alone, and or isolated. It makes things even worst if you have a spouse that refuses to talk through life’s challenges.  Most of us seem to marry our opposite. This means that one of you loves to talk and the other can probably do without hashing out all the details of every situation.

In a marriage there is absolutely no way around communicating with your spouse. In order to work it out… you have to talk it out.  It is imperative to practice communicating effectively with your spouse if you want your interactions to be positive.  The most important step in communicating effectively with your spouse is knowing the best time to talk about certain subjects. For instance, allow your spouse to cool down from a busy day at work or from time with the kids.  It is also fruitful to discuss matters when you have had time to think about the issues at hand before approaching your spouse. This will help you both in discussing the issues without having to worry about your emotions getting the best of you.

Communication is a two way process. Someone has to talk while the other one listens! It is usually easiest for all us to do the talking. 🙂  Practice listening to your spouse before commenting.  Proverbs 18:2,13 sheds some light on the error of our ways when we are more concerned with being heard then listening.
2  “A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart.”
13  “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.”

Keys to improving communication with your spouse:

  1. Have prayer before discussing difficult matters. Ask God to open your heart and mind.
  2. Allow the person with the issue to speak first.
  3. Practice listening before speaking. Don’t interrupt!
  4. Repeat what you think your spouse is saying and give them a chance to affirm that what you heard was what they were trying to communicate.
  5. Take turns speaking.
  6. Come to an agreement and seal the deal with a kiss!

Love your spouse enough to listen.  Stay tuned for part 2 “What are your actions communicating to your spouse?”

With Love,

Cassandra